Are You Your Word?

Are you your word? The question may sound a little strange. But, if you want to be a great leader it is a question you must ask yourself, literally, every day. A leader will lose followers in the blink of an eye if his or her followers see, hear or feel that he or she is not their word. So, let’s take a look at the meaning of this question.

Consider for a moment that you have two business associates. The first associate and you plan a meeting. You are to meet at a coffee house near your office at 10:00 a.m. The second associate and you have scheduled lunch at a café about fifteen minutes from the coffee house. You plan to go from one meeting to the next.

You arrive at the coffee house at ten minutes before the slated meeting because that is who you are as a professional. At twenty minutes after 10:00 a.m., your associate has not arrived. You are irritated but not surprised because this associate is never where he says he will be when he says he will be there. He arrives at 10:30 a.m. making vague apologizes, but not really acting at all as if it is a big deal he kept you waiting for forty minutes. You get down to business.

When the meeting was being planned, you both agreed that the work involved required ninety minutes together. You set your follow-on meeting in consideration of that. At twenty minutes to 12:00 noon, you let your first associate know the meeting must end. When he insists that you continue to closure, you take a stand you cannot. You share with him that the associate you are meeting is always on time. In fact, you are positive that she will be sitting and waiting for you when you arrive. The first associate scoffs and says, “Oh, let’s finish here, she’ll wait. No one ever arrives when they say they will.”

You leave and arrive, fortunately, at the café at two minutes to noon. The second associate is sitting there with an iced tea in hand, just as you knew she would be. You knew the second associate to be her word. You knew that the first associate is not his word. We learn quickly, in all facets of life – not just business – when someone is their word. We just don’t think about it in those terms. Think about all the people you know. They fall into one of three groups: people who always do what they say they are going to do; people who never do what they say they are going to do; and, the vast majority of people who sometimes do and sometimes don’t do what they say they are going to do. In your personal life, in your professional life, in your social life, to which of the three groups do you belong?

Again, this is a question that should really matter to you as a leader. My personal observation is that for a lot of people this issue of whether you show up to meetings on time or you deliver a product or service when you say you will is a litmus test. If you are not your word in these two critical areas for these people, you are not your word overall. This may not be fair, but it is what it is. Instead of “He doesn’t show up for meetings when he says he will”, it becomes “He never does what he says he’ll do”. The best circumstance of all is that people come to see you as someone who always keeps his or her word. Then you won’t be a “sometimes” person wrongly painted with the “never” brush.

Here is some good news. You can control this impression. You can change any existing impression people might have of you in this regard. Just dramatically change your behavior. If you are suddenly the first person at every meeting, if you are sitting there when others come in, it will be noticed. This will be particularly true if you are already locked in as a “never” in someone else’s mind. That other party will probably make a comment to you, in front of others, about you being early. So, make a comment back. “Yes, I have decided to be my word in every way. Now, if I say I am going to be at a meeting at a certain time I am going to be there.” What a powerful reorientation statement.  The even more powerful thing is that this kind of statement is self-reinforcing. The nay-sayers and non-believers will be watching to see if you back-slide. When you do continue to be your word in showing up to meetings on time, your action strengthens a new impression of you. You know what is coming next. Beware; having made such a public declaration, any negative impression of you will be further reinforced if you do not keep your word.

One of the best culture recreations in an organization I ever witnessed centered on this notion of being your word. When I arrived in this particular organization lying was pervasive across the organization, top-to-bottom, and left-to-right. It was really having a detrimental effect on individual and organizational performance.  People of the organization did not respect one another, they did not trust one another, and they wasted a huge amount of time talking about these facts. I was stunned, as the new CEO, to hear from Senior Leaders in the organization that they lied to the staff because the Board lied to them. I went to the Board and told them what I had heard. They admitted that they were thrown to lies and withholds, but they argued they had good reason. According to them most of the staff had personal agendas and could not be trusted. If given the truth they would misuse it. We discussed the reality of organizational culture, “The culture of an organization is a direct reflection of the values of its leaders.” I left the meeting with an agreement that everyone would stand for their word and we, as leaders, would set the example. We would make honesty and integrity a hallmark of our organization. It was a challenge we turned into a meaningful game. If we caught anyone failing to be their word, we called them on it. We gave them a chance to redeem themselves with impunity. We laughed together a lot. We said, “See how you are.”

I remember, vividly, the first time I caught the Chairman of the Board lying (a white lie admittedly) to me after we made the agreement. I have no way of knowing how often, in the short time we knew each other before the agreement, he lied to me. He told his lie and looked at me. I could see he knew I knew he was lying and that he knew I knew. I said nothing; I just sat there looking at him. It was probably not more than a minute, but it felt like ten, before he said, “Alright the truth is…”  We never had another lie or withhold between us (to the best of my knowledge) and today remain fast friends.

This kind of subtle confrontation, calling people on their “stuff”, became fun and safe for people. The conversation, backed with pride by most everyone, was that we were a different kind of company, one that emphasized leaders, managers and staff being able to take one another at their word. We became a place where people could trust what one another said.

Being your word is not easy. There is often a price to be paid for being straightforward. One component of “price” is that in many instances, at first, when you are being straightforward and honest some people will not believe you. They will remain convinced that you are working an agenda, manipulating them or otherwise playing some sort of game. This will be most true where a culture of being something less than your word is endemic. Trust cannot be given where trust does not exist. Dishonesty is presumed by those who are dishonest. Do not fall victim to the “tyranny of one time”. If you try to be straightforward and honest with people and it backfires don’t give up your commitment to being your word. Try it again and again, until others realize your integrity. Try different approaches to saying what needs to be said. If you do give up, it will be perceived by those you resisted your honesty and good intention that they were right in their assessment of the reasons for your “good” behavior. They will believe that because you tried to “get over on them” and failed, you have reverted to your old (dishonest?) self.

Being your word is contagious. Nobody really wants to disappoint. Remember the example earlier where you did not want to be late in meeting the second associate? When most people know that another person is committed to being their word, in this case being where they said they would be when they said they would be there, they want to do the same. They do not want to disappoint or to be seen as uncaring. They sense something positive and want to reflect it too. They will begin to be on time. They will begin to “call a spade a spade”. In the example, the first associate demonstrated his disrespect and lack of concern not just for you, in coming late, but for the second associate, when suggesting that you should be late for your meeting with her. People who are not their word are disrespectful. You demonstrate respect for others when you are your word.

When you are your word you do not become more judgmental, you become more discerning. You become more keenly aware of what it looks like to be your word, of what it feels like inside, and how others perceive and receive you. You notice what others look like when they are not their word. When you see a behavior in another you may ask, “Is he or she being their word?” It isn’t for their benefit you ask this, it is for your own. You will begin to see the good and bad manifestations of the question.

But when all is said and done there is one surefire way to develop the discipline of being your word. You just ask yourself (you’ll know when), “Am I being my word?” You will be surprisingly honest with yourself.