Don’t Sweat It! “Never let them see you sweat.”
A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with Dr. Zakirul Karim in Bangladesh about some issues he was facing. Tough days at work happen everywhere in the world, every day. In the course of that conversation I used the expression, “Never let them see you sweat.” I meant that we, as leaders, want to always appear to be nonplussed by any situation. We want to appear to be in control of our emotions, poised. I say “appear” because we will always have a reaction to our experiences, that is the atavistic nature of stimulus and response. The distinction between people is how they handle and show (or not) the emotions resulting from any experience, particularly those they find stressful.
“Grace Under Pressure”
Many years ago, I was in a conversation with the lead paramedic in our organization following a major traffic accident. As it happened, I had come upon the scene of the accident just minutes after it occurred. This gave me the unique opportunity to see our ambulance and life-saving teams in action. There was wreckage and bodies intertwined everywhere. I watched this paramedic, his name was Mickey, thread his way through all of it to administer to those who were alive. In the middle of chaos, flames and smoke, this man exhibited incredible poise. He controlled what must have been churning emotion. He never let anyone on the scene see him sweat. His composure allowed others to find their composure. He was the consummate leader in that situation.
“You Handle Pressure with Poise; You’ll Do The Same In Any Situation.”
I do not remember how it came up in the conversation, maybe we were talking about the carnage of the multiple-car catastrophic accident, but he asked me how I thought he would hold up in combat under fire. He offered that he had always wanted to be in the military but was not able to join because of a congenital health issue. He said he always wondered if he would be able to handle the stress of being under fire. My answer came easily. I had just watched this man tend an injured person within ten feet of flames and more than one exposed gas tank. All I could say was, “Mickey, I am certain you would do better than okay under any circumstance.” I just knew from his behavior as I just observed it, he would be the first guy I would want next to me under any stressful circumstance. This is what followers look for in the on-going behavior of their leaders, evidence that when necessary they will stand their ground with confidence.
“Everybody Loses It Once in Awhile!”
Recently, I had a non-work related issue arise and I must admit that, for a good five minutes, I lost my poise completely. Anybody who wanted to could see “my sweat” and my panic. I knew others were counting on me in the situation so, I collected myself, regrouped and set about the activity the circumstances dictated. This situation and my reaction was a bit of a leadership wake-up call for me. It reminded me that my coaching, writing and efforts in leadership are not pontification (I do not have all the answers and do not always do it right). Being a leader is no less a journey than is striving to become one. The work is never done.
I love sports of any and every kind. A lot of the quotes I use in my work come from sports and, in particular, basketball. A coach, I don’t remember who it was, said, “The Key to Winning is poise under stress. When we’ve lost a game, I can go back in my head to that point in the game where we lost our poise and winning became impossible. There is always a point after losing your poise where a critical “choke” occurs, when learned behaviors and skills break down because of self-doubt.” This loss of poise and spin-down as describe by the coach happens to high-caliber players who thrive under stress. This exception in their behavior, the occasional mismanagement of stress, proves the rule, “Character is who you are under pressure, not when everything is fine.”
“Why I Like Peyton Manning”
Peyton Manning, the NFL quarterback considered to be the best student of the game of American football to have ever actually played the game at the highest level, once said, “Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you are doing.”
The corollary to that is: remember you know what you are doing, in our case as a leader, and maintain your self-confidence. Manning gets better in a game as the stakes rise. He is one of those people who thrive under pressure. He makes a choice that many of us would-be leaders must intuitively and spontaneously make when facing challenges. He owns that he is the right person for the job and he steps up. When we face challenges, do we make them mountains or mole hills? Do we see them as something easily stepped over or as mountains impossible to climb?
Stress is not what happens to us; it is our response to what happens to us. The components of stress: anxiety, fear, anger are not things in the world around you over which you have no control. They are emotions within you which you, solely, have the ability to control. Unless we give life to them in expression they do not exist.
“Get a Guru!”
In India, I had occasion to sit and chat with a man revered and followed by many. He said to me that life is a river in which we float. The current has the power to take us wherever it wants, regardless of our wishes. It is best that we go with the flow, not passively but with complementary energy. If something is meant to happen it will happen. If something is not meant to happen it won’t. We should not over-worry whether we will hit a rock or reach a particular beach. We should only consider what we might do if those eventualities occur.”
Maybe my youngest of two daughters is as wise as that guru. She always considers the worst thing that could happen in a situation. I once asked her why she tortured herself in this way. She said that it wasn’t torture but just the opposite. She just imagined the “worst case scenario” constructed it in her head and prepared herself for her own physical and emotional reactions. She concluded by saying, “I am prepared for the worst, stress-free. Anything that actually happens is less dramatic and consequential than any possibility of the worse case I imagined.” Following the exercise in her mind, she no longer resists a possible reality. She is prepared for it. Like the human being swimming in the river of life, as presented by the Indian guru, she knows future events will only be unmanageable if she resists them, if she fights what she knows she cannot control. Go with the flow. Like the willow tree, bend but do not break.
“Practice Worst Case Scenarios”
An effective tool for learning to maintain your composure is to actually practice for the worst. Many years ago when I was in flight school we were instructed in Emergency Procedures, step-by-step actions that were to be taken in the event a particular problem occurred while we were flying the airplane. Night after night, I sat in a straight-backed chair in my bedroom, in front of three panels of a cardboard box which had drawings of the controls in the T-2 Buckeye aircraft. I’d declare a particular emergency and then move through the procedures I was expected to follow if such an event occurred while flying the aircraft. Later, when actually in the aircraft, an instructor would simulate the emergency, even to the extent of shutting down power. As the student, I responded out of the procedures I had ingrained in my head and in my muscle memory. This process taught the student to do five basic things:
1. Practice possible eventualities;
2. Create Situational Scenarios;
3. Think about Scenario changes (“If this happens, what will I do?”);
4. Visualize situations, making them real enough to really experience them;
5. Catalog Mental Models for response for clear and rapid retrieval.
The cool thing is that I learned this tool works in the business environment. So often, people have commented on how I handled an issue, a question, a meeting with aplomb. What I knew is that I had dealt the issue before, answered the question previously, and been in the meeting already. If I had not actually had the physical experience in the past I had covered it in executing the five process dynamics above. This rubric has helped me a lot in my personal and my professional life.
“Get Ahold of Yourself!”
But sometimes it is just about controlling your raw emotions. I know I must and that I don’t always do a great job of it. My wife tells me I wear my emotions on my sleeve for all to see. I have taken several courses in negotiations. They all stress that a negotiator should “never let them see you sweat.”
I like how Thomas Jefferson, a founding father of the United States, put it, “Nothing gives one person so great an advantage over another, as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.” How do we do that? Only with practice can we be present in the moment, see our emotions bubbling up and catch the bubbles before they burst. Each time we prospectively control our emotions we become better at doing it again the next time. I have sat across the table from some great negotiators and they all have one thing in common. You cannot read their emotions. “Fools show their anger at once, but the prudent ignore an insult.”
Be A Leader With Poise
The industrial psychologist Donald A. Laird studied people in the workplace for their leadership potential. His observations of the characteristics of potential leaders can be restated as things we can do to develop and maintain the leader characteristic of Poise.
1. Constrain Your Anger – remember it is the number one enemy of poise. Learn to take a reprimand from a senior or a superior. It is grace under fire.
2. Avoid Discouragement – books are full of successful leaders who failed many times. It isn’t about how many times you get knocked down. It is a question of how many times you get up. Try embracing your next rejection as the learning opportunity it actually is.
3. Laugh at Yourself – I have talked about my friend, Andrew Lorentine, and how he used to challenge me to “See how you are.” So often when I looked at who I was being, I had to laugh. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Find your ego balance point.
4. Keep Your Spirits Up – We wake up every day and put our face on. We choose in our waking moments the inner conversation we will have for ourselves each day. Even if the previous day ended badly for you, decide that each day is a “start-over”. Always look to the bright side of things.
5. Keep Cool – If you are not already a “Mickey”, learn to stay cool in emergencies. Those who don’t stay cool are looking for the support and leadership of someone who is.
Take heart and remember that “poise”, like so many other characteristics and qualities we as leaders seek to develop and maintain, is a learned thing.